I have got to do this.

I guess I'm writing this to motivate myself. I must loose weight. I have to. It's no longer a goal to look better, but a goal to save my life. How did I get this bad? I can't really pinpoint it to one reason. I was always a chubby kid and slimmed down as a young teenager. My mom then passed away when I was 15 and food became my comfort. I'm 27 now and the pounds keep packing on since I was 15. I am now morbidly obese. God, how I hate that word! I wear a size 24/26 in clothing. I sometimes feel like I am in the wrong body. I never ever thought I would get this fat. I hate it. I'm embarrassed of it. It's not who I am. I am tired of half attempts at loosing weight where I loose 20-30lbs and then slowly gain it back plus some. I'm tired of having high blood pressure. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not looking attractive. Everyone always tells me I "have a pretty face". Wow, that stings. I want to look attractive for my husband. He says he finds me attractive, but I can see how I look naked.
A year ago I lost my son during my pregnancy. The past year flew by and I am now finally healed enough to even care about myself again. I owe this to my daughter. I want to live for her. I don't want to die due to my weight. I'm only 27. I should be full of life and having fun. People constantly tell me that I am the strongest person they know. I am strong to have risen above my childhood, to have lived through my mom's death, to have lived through and held strong with my son's death, but why can't I figure this ONE aspect of my life out? Why is food so important to me? Why can't I be strong with this one thing? I'm tired of being a victim to this disease. I have to figure this out. I owe this to myself.